AZERI LANGUAGE - 101 Jokes of Mullah Nasreddin ( Translated from Azeri into English by DR. Baylar Islamkhan Hajiyev).
Sunday, 2016-12-04, 7:15 PM
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                                         Read this jokes dear Friend.I hope that you will enjoy these Azeri jokes with full of deep meanings.
 
1)They tell this story about the first meeting of Mullah and Timour (Timour[1336-1405] is the real name of "Timourlang". "Lang" meaning "Lame".He was Central Asian Military leader and a statesman who conquered Iran,Turkey,Caucasus and Asia).
Mullah was very ugly and one early morning when Timour and his entourage were going hunting the first person they met was Mullah Nasraddin.Timour became very angry and said,"To meet such an ugly person first thing in the morning is unlucky.Our hunting will be unsuccessful because this man has brought us misfortune.Arrest him and put him in prison."
They did as Timour ordered,and they had good luck on the hunt.When he returned to his palace,Timour ordered Mullah to be brought before him."Mullah," the king said,"the hunt was very successful.Therefore I wil take mercy on you and set you free."
"I am not guilty,your Majesty," Mullah replied,"yet you imprisoned me.But noe you set me free and I thank you.But I would like you to answer a question for me."
"What id your question?" Timour asked.
"Meeting me in the morning," Mullah said," you considered me to be unlucky.But your hunt was more successful than usual.I went out early this morning to make bread for my family.But the first person I met was you,and my family remained hungry all day.Please tell me honestly,who brings misfortune,you or me?"
 
2)Once Timour said to Mullah,"I would like to put you a question that only a wise man can answer.Tell me,please,what is in the world tat has not ripened,is not ripening,and will never ripen."
"That is the salary you promised us when you employed ud," Mullah said.
 
3)Once Mullah ( Mullah-it means who is well-educated) was having dinner with Timour and the king`s cook had prepared a vry delicious meal of eggplant.Timour decided to test Mullah an said,"I love eggplant best of all."
"So do I," said Mullah.
SOme time later,Timour said,"Eggplant is not very good.Even if I don`t have it for many yearsI never think f it."
"Me neither," Mullah said.
Some more time passed,and Timour said,"When I eat eggplant,I get a headache and palpitations."
"So do I," Mullah said.
"Eggplant is very healthy," Timour said.
"When I eat it, my eyes shine."
"The same thing happens to me," Mullah replied.
At the end of the dinner,Timour called for the cook and said,"If you prepare eggplant in the future,I will order you to be skinned alive as they peel the eggplants.You know that I can`t stand them."
Mullah pushed his plate away and said immediately,"oh your Majesty,I can`t stand eggplant either."
"Mullah,"Timour said."You are a very strange person.It doesn`t matter what I say about eggplant;you always agree.Why is that?"
"Your Majesty,the answer to that is very clear,"Mullah said."I serve you,not eggplant."
 
4)They say that Timour once invited Mullah`s son to the palace.He discovered that the son and his father were very much alike;they had the same height,face,nose,and mouth.They were as similar as two drops of water.Timour thought it would be interesting to see if the son were as wise as his father.
So the king took out a gold coin and gave it to Mullah`s son.But the son refused it."Why don`t you take the coin?"Timour asked.
I`m afraid of my mother,"the son said."She doesn`t allow me t take money from strangers."
"I am not a stranger that your mother would warn you against,"Timour said."I am the king."
"I know that you are the king,"Mullah`s son replied."But my mother would never believe me."
"Why wouldn`t she?" Timour asked.
"She would say that when a king gives gold coins,"Mullah`s son said,"he never gives one,but many."
 
5)Once Timour was made a present of a good donkey.In order to please the king,his flatterers began to praise the donkey excessively.Mullah was also there,and he expressed his opinion as well.
"You are right," he said."The donkey i worthy to be praised.But none of you noticed one of his advantages.That donkey has a very good talent.If I had that donkey,I would teach him to read."
Timour was very interested in that."Mullah,if you do that,"the king said,"I will give you whatever you want."
"Everlasting life and health to my king," Mullah said."Can you tell me when I ever promised something and did not do it? I will do as I promised.This animal is very wise and talented,but I have some conditions."
"Tell me your conditions," Timour said.
"First of all,I need 2 month time,"Mullah said."Second,you hsve to give me the money to keep the donkey,to buy textbooks,notebooks and other school equipment."
Timour agreed gave Mullah the money he asked for and Mullah went home and began to teach the donkey.
Two month passed and the people gathered in the city square at the appointed time.Mullah led the donkey in front of Timour.A table was placed in front of the donkey and Mullah put a book on it.The donkey began to turn the pages and after three-four he turned to Mullah and brayed.All of the people were greatly surprised.Timour was very satisfied and said,"Mullah,I will give you what you want,but tell me the truth.How did you teach the donkey to read?"
Everlasting health and life to the king,"Mullah said."I made a book out of deerskin and poured barley onto the pages.After fifteen days,the second stage of teaching began.For two days I didn`t feed the donkey and when on the third day,I put the deerskin book in front of it.The donkey turned over the oages with his tongue and ate the barley.Then I replaced the deerskin book with an ordinary one.I spent a month on it."
"Then the third stage of training began," Mullah continued."Sometimes I put the book in front of the donkey without any barley on it.The donkey looked for the barley and when he couldn`t find it he began to bray.today is the second day in a row I haven`t fed him.Today`s exam is the result of a two day hunger."
 
6)Once,when Mullah was without money,Timour was given a donkey as a gift.The king asked him,"What is wrong with you,Mullah? Why do you keep silent?You think this donkey is talented don`t you?"
Mullah thought that he could make a great deal of money out of this and said,"Yes I do.I think this donkey is wiser than the last one.If you give him to me,I can teach him to speak."
"I will give you the donkey,"Timour said."Tell me your conditions."
"My conditions are very hard this time,"Mullah said."You have to give me five years to train the donkey and one gold coin each day."
Timour agreed,counted out the money for five years,then Mullah took the whole sum and led the donkey to his huse.When his wife saw him with a donkey she asked,"What is this?"
"Don`t say anything,"Mllah replied."Just take this money and spend it on our family."He then explained how he had gotten the gold coins and the donkey.
"Are you crazy?"his wife asked."Have you become mad?Can a donkey speak?"
"Oh my wife,"Mullah said."I thought only Timour was fool enough to believe me.Of course this donkey can`t speak."
"You have asked me a very foolish question.DOn`t you see how much gold I`ve brought?"Mullah asked.
"Tha is very well,"his wife replied,"Don`t be such a fool,my wife.Take the money and buy what you want.GOD is merciful,and within five years either Timour or the donkey will die."
 
7)Once Timour checked up on the activity of the governor of the city and found out that the man gathered more taxes than he recorded in the tax register.Timour became very angry and made him eat the entire register.
Then Timour appointed Mullah governor of the city.Some time later he decided to check his tax collections,and ordered Mullah to produce the tax register.Mullah presented him with a book made of very thin lavash(A kind of bread pressed thin as a sheet of paper in Azerbaijan) in which he had recorded the taxes.Timour became very angry and asked,"Couldn`t you find any paper?"
"Everlasting life and health to my king,"Mullah answered."I knew that you would not be satisfied with my tax collecting and you would make me eat the tax register just as you did the former governor.My stomach is not so good.That is wh I have taken preventative measures."
 
8)Once Timour said,"Mullah,I need an astrologer for the palace and I can`t find one.Can you be an astrologer?"
"Yes,"Mullah replied,"but only wit my wife`s help."
"What do you mean?" Timour asked.
"My wife`s viewpoint never coincides with mine,"Mullah explained."For example,if afer looking at the sky,I say,"Tomorrow it will ran,"my wife will say,"It will not rain."And each of us hold strongly to our own viewpoint and will not yield to the other.For many years I have observed that either her forecast or mine is correct.There ca`t be a third case.That`s why I cn only be an astrologer with my wife`s help."
 
9)Once Timour was told that one of his workers was mad.He sentfr Mullah and asked him to count how many of the people in the palace were crazy.Mullah thought a little and said,"Your Majesty,it would be better if you asked me to count how many of the people are not crazy.It would be easier to count them because they are fewer.How can I count the crazy ones?They are endless."
 
10)Once some people were talking about the greatness of Timour.All of them talked abut his power,everyone praised him and they called him the king of kings and a giant among kings.
Mullah just listened,but he finally said,"DOn`t raise Timour to the skies.He can`t be as giant as a camel."
 
11)Once Timour ordered Mullah to place some peaches in his room.Instead,Mullah took them to the cemetery and put them into the crypt.When Timour came home and could not find the peaches,he became angry and called for Mullah.
"Mullah,where are my peaches?"he asked.
"Your Majesty,"Mullah replied,"I did as you ordered and put them in your room."
"Where are they then?"Timour said."I can`t find them.Where have you put them?"
"Oh my king," Mullah responded."This is not your room.I put them in your room."
"Why are you talking nonsense?"Timour asked."Where is my room?"
Mullah said,"COme,and I`ll show your room."When they came to the crypt in the cemetery,he told the king,"Look,this is your real room.In the palace you are but a guest."
 
12)Once Mullah went to the baths with Timour.The king put on an expensive apron and they took a shower and talked aboutmany things.Then Timour asked,"Mullah,please tell me how much do you think I am worth?"
Mullah thought for a minute and replied,"I think you are worth ten manats(it is the monetary unit of Azerbaijan)."
"Are you joking?"Timour asked."My apron alone costs ten manats."
"It is only the apron that is valuable on you," Mullah said.
 
13)Once Mullah gave a big dinner and Mullah was one of the guests.Seeing Mullah talking animatedly to one of the other guests,Timour came up to him and said,"I think you are lying about something."
"You are right,my king,"Mullah said."I am talking to my friend about yor justice."
 
14)Once Timour took Mullah to the archery range and asked him,"Mullah,have you ever shot an arrow?"
Mullah felt ashamed to confess that he had never shot a bow,so he said,"In my youth I was a very good archer,but now I am old and never touch a bow."
Hearing that,Timour ordered a soldier to give his bow to Mullah.Mullah wanted to refuse,but he was obliged to take the bow and shoot.The first arrow fell fifteen meters from the target.Mullah was not embarassed,but simply told Timour,"Your commander-in-chief shoots like that."
Mullah shot a second arrow and again missed."Your advisor shoots like that,"he told the king.He shot many times,never hit the target and each time said he was shooting like someone else.At last,by chance,he hit the mark and announced,"Mullah Nasraddin shoots like that."
 
15)They say that Timour always kept many bodyguards which he chose from among the bravest youth.Once he ordered a brave man to be chosen from the village where Mullah lived,and since the people understood that the king was blood thirsty,no one wanted to serve him.At last,the wise old people of the village asked Mullah to go to the palace and serve as a bodyguard.Mullah agreed,and they introduced him as one of the bravest people in the village.Timour looked at Mullah,looked at the villagers who had praised him,and understood something was wrong.Wanting to test Mullah`s bravery,he called for one of his best archers.The first arrow passed between Mullah`s legs,and he wanted to cry out,but understood that Timour might punish his fellow villagers,so he closed his eyes and waited.The next arrow passed under his armpit,and the third shot of his cap.Mullah didn`t lose consciousness,and he didn`t move,so Timour became sure of the man`s bravery,and called him to come up to him.Understanding that the test had ended,Mullah went up to Timour smiling.The king was impressed,and ordered his servants to give Mullah a new fur and a cap."Oh my king," Mullah said."I wish you everlasting life and health.But why do you give me these things ?"
"Because the arrows damaged your fur coat and cap,"Timour answered."If it is possible,"Mullah said,"could you please give me new underpants as well ?"
"But we did not damage your underpants,"Timour replied.Mullah bent his head to his breast,feeling ashamed,and said,"You are right my king,you didn`t do any damage to my underpants.But I did."
 
16)They say that once Timour wanted to know how brave Mullah was.He ordered his hangman to hang Mullah immediately.The hangman captured Mullah and brought him to the door.Timour said,"These are the last minutes of your life;make your will immediately."
" I don`t have any will to make,"Mullah replied,"but I have something to ask you."
"What is it?"Timour asked
"I have a tickle in my neck,"Mullah said,so if it is possible,please hang me not by the neck but by the waist."
 
17)Once Timour was very angry with someone and roared at Mullah:"Give this man 100 lashes! (this is the kind of punishment in the ancient times in Asian countries).
Mullah smiled and Timour became more angry and shouted at Mullah:"Why are you smiling?Fulfill my order!Give this man 500 lashes!"Mullah laughed again which made Timour become very frustrated."Give him now 1000 lashes!"shouted Timour.Mullah roared with laughter.TImour became crazy with anger and asked Mullah:
"Are you laughing at me ?"
"Oh no my king.How dare I laugh at you? I am laughing at GOD because he made this kind of person such as you become king who can`t understand figures involved and has never tested whipping on his own back,"answered Mullah.
 
18)They say that once while Mullah was serving at Timour`s palace the following event happened.One of the rich men of the city liked his neighbor`s garden very much and wanted to buy it.But the neighbor always refused,saying,"No,I`ll never sell my garden.All of my wealth is in my garden.Every day I walk there and enjoy myself."
Understanding that his neighbor would never sell his garden willingly,the rich man used the money he would have paid for it to bribe the judge,the governor,and the head vizier of the king.Then he spread this rumor:"In my sleep I dreamt that my neighbor`s father owed my father one hundred gold coins.Now I demand that he either repay the debt or give his garden to me."The neighbor was called before the judge and while he begged for mercy and justice it was in vain.The judge decided that he should give the rich man the garden.The neighbor then went before the governor to complain,but he confirmed the decision of the judge.So the neighbor sent the documents of the case to Timour,pleading for justice.Timour turned them over to his head vizier who,of course,confirmed the decision of the judge as well.The poor man had lost all hope of getting his garden back,but the residents of his quarter advised him to go to Mullah and tell him everything.Only Mullah could help him.When he had heard the story,Mullah said,"Don`t let it get you down.Tomorrow at dawn come to Timour`s palace.I`ll eat my hat if I don`t return your  garden to you."
Early the next morning when the poor man came to Timour`s palace,he discovered Mullah chipping away at the foundation of the palace wall with a pick.The man was very surprised and asked,"Mullah,what are you doing?"
"Take a spade or a pick and help me,"Mullah said,"and your garden will come out of here."The poor man thought that Mullah had gone crazy.Smiling at him,Mullah said,"I know that you  think that I am crazy.But don`t worry.I know exactly what I am doing.Take the pick and help me."
The poor man began to help Mullah,and it turned out that they were digging beneath Timour`s bedroom.The digging woke him up,and he sent all of the palace servants down to discover that Mullah had dug underneath the wall so far that it was in danger of falling down."What are you doing,Mullah?"Timour asked."Are you crazy?"
" I had a dream that my late father had hidden seven jugs full of gold here,"Mullah said."Take a pick and dig and we will share fifty-fifty.""Don`t be crazy,"Timour said."This palace was built hundreds of years ago.At that time your father`s grandparents had not been born yet."
"I know,"Mullah said.
"If you know,why are you digging under the wall?"Timour asked.
I am digging because of my dream,"Mullah replied.
"You are a fool,"Timour replied."What you see in dreams can`t always be true."Mullah stopped digging and told about the poor man`s garden.:Oh my king," he said,"why are the dreams of rich people always considered to be true while the dreams of the poor are nonsense?"
TImour didn`t know how to answer,so Mullah resumed his digging."Either you repeal the sentence,punish those who are to blame,and return the garden to the poor man,"Mullah said,"or I`ll go on digging until I don`t find the gold."
Timour was obliged to overturn the judge`s decision.
 
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